Part 1: How To Be a Jewish Affirming Therapist in 2023
In this next two blog posts, I share some of what might be going on with your Jewish clients. In the first part, I start by sharing a bit about what the world feels like to me. Of course, this is what the world is feeling like to me and there are many many others out there who feel differently. Then, in Part 2 of the blog, I share some tips with therapists and counselors about how to better work with their Jewish clients.
Here are my views as a 45 year old Jewish queer-lesbian trans-enby-female psychologist in San Diego, California.
It’s scary being Jewish right now. I mean, Jews have been through a lot, from the Inquisition to pogroms to the Holocaust, to all sorts of hate crimes throughout the years.
I find myself increasingly nervous about being Jewish these days, let alone coming out as a Jew, here in San Diego, California. I’m nervous writing this very blog post. I’ve been working on it for days now and keep finding excuses not to finish it up. I’ve managed to watch TV shows I hadn’t seen for years so I couldn’t put the finishing touches on this post. I’ve made delicious but complicated salad dishes that I had to make right now instead of finishing up this one article. I'm determined to get this blog post done.
Israel:
To be a Jewish affirming therapist, please keep an open mind and an open heart about Israel. If you can’t have an open mind, please don’t take on Jewish clients. For a lot of us, being Jewish means having a relationship with Israel, simple or complicated.
Here’s a bit about my relationship with Israel.
I’ve always had a complicated relationship with Israel and its government. As a kid, I wanted to make aliyah and move to Israel as an adult. As I grew up, I realized that I didn’t want to live so far away from my blood family so I stayed in the US. I don’t know modern Hebrew although I would one day love to learn it. I’ve only been to Israel once, for my cousin’s Bar Mitzvah trip. It was a very special trip for me though and all these years later, I remember the feeling of finally getting to Israel and kissing the ground.
In my 20s and beyond, I knew I loved the idea of Israel being my homeland. I loved knowing that in some places, it was common to be Jewish, even more so than in Los Angeles, Boston, or New York City. That said, I was deeply troubled by the stories I read of Palestinians living in Gaza and not having easy access to Israel or the wealth it had. I learned a bit about what it was like to live in Gaza from some first-person narratives and promised myself that if I ever returned to the area, I would visit Gaza and see what it was like for myself.
Earlier this secular year, I had been talking about saving up to see friends and chosen family in Israel. I wanted to bring my wife and daughter to Tel Aviv and I dreamed of seeing Jerusalem again. I wanted to point out all the places my daughter and I had read about. I wanted her to feel what it was like to be in a place where she wasn’t the only Jew around (besides myself). I started doing some research and getting excited.
Hamas Attack on Israelis
On October 7, 2023, Hamas murdered Israelis and took many hostages, most of whom are still not home. After learning about these gruesome events, all I wanted to do was get under the covers and will the world away. I was really terrified.
At that time, my wife was away on a two-week trip. My parents flew to our California home to help out with our kiddo. Before October 7th, I was generally okay. I had a lot to balance: my kid, my work, and my health and happiness, but I was getting by. We were getting into a rhythm and I loved getting to spend some extra time with my child.
A day or two after October 7th, I got a cold that lingered and I, in turn, tried to heal up by sleeping for days on end. According to all the tests I took, I didn’t have COVID, the flu, or strep, but it was some kind of illness that left me quite weak. To this day, I’m all but convinced that this was a terrible cold mixed with a bodily reaction to the horrors going on in Israel.
In the past, when something horrible had happened in Israel, it was often not at the front of my mind for very long. This time though, it felt different. The war crimes were gruesome and happened at places that I felt were the most peaceful, Kibbutzim, and at a music and nature festival. These were places that I could imagine myself being at and enjoying. This time it didn’t happen to people far away, it felt like it was happening to me.
My Traumatic Reaction
I had a traumatic reaction. Images of the horrible events flashed before my eyes when I went to a local festival grounds. I was picking pumpkins but I couldn’t stop seeing images of people being herded up and killed in front of me. I went home, both joyful - because pumpkins are awesome as is time with my family, and sick to my stomach because I couldn’t unsee these images in my head and couldn’t unhear survivors’ words from my heart. I’m grateful for EMDR to help ease those images and bring me back into myself.
The Effects of October 7th
The effects of October 7th persist. I wondered if this was the start of something bigger, where I needed to worry about my life, even though I live on the other side of the world, in the USA.
I’ve read all sorts of memes saying that this is the beginning of the next Shoah (the Holocaust) and that we are in the Again part of the Never Again promises the world made to all of us when the Holocaust ended.
I wondered which of my friends would protect me if Hamas-like violence came to my USA home. It was like I was living two lives. Life number 1 was me that is a parent who needs to take care of my daughter and make sure she feels loved, safe, and secure. It is a privilege to think that I could make her world like this for her. Life number 2 involves me feeling like everything is about to get a lot worse, very quickly. My unfair privilege in being white was going to dissolve as people would realize that I am Jewish and try to hurt me, personally or professionally.
Weeks After the Attack
2.5 or so weeks later, the war and violence continue. At home, I notice that online the reports have switched their messages for the most part. I feel like I’m living in some alternative reality. 2.5 weeks ago the messages were about needing to bring the hostages home and many horrified reactions to the violence done against Israelis. Now, I’m feeling the vitriol against Israel and calling for a ceasefire. It’s like we Jews are the source of the world’s problems. I know that’s not real and that it’s complicated. And it is gut-wrenching to not know which colleague or friend or acquaintance believes that Israel has a right to exist and which ones don’t at all.
I feel heartbroken, torn, confused, incredibly angry, scared, anguished, and numb. I don’t want anyone to die for Israel to become safe again. Online friends called me naive for these feelings as this is war and war involves casualties. I didn’t realize we were at war at first. It felt like we were responding to the violence against us and then, suddenly, it was war and there were casualties.
Online
I don’t quite know how to be in the world right now. Online, I am part of several therapist and psychologist Facebook groups. These were places to look for referrals, share when we have openings, and connect with local mental health workers. I’ve met plenty of online people who have become online and offline friends.
In these last weeks, I have been amazed and at times, horrified, to read many people’s stances on this war. Going online used to be a respite and now, it really isn’t. I’ve watched people I thought I knew, demonize Israelis and those who love Israel. I’ve seen Jews get villainized and made into heroes for either wanting there to be a Jewish homeland or denouncing Israel. I’ve read countless stories from Jewish students feeling unsafe at their colleges.
Offline
And then, offline, I’ve felt this unbearable weight at almost all times. I feel afraid to be seen as Jewish. I want to help myself be proud to be Jewish by wearing a Star of David necklace or a Hamsa or plastering a bumper sticker on my car. Being more out in these ways, used to help me feel more brave and less afraid.
I stop myself as I don't want my child in the car to be unsafe. It used to be safe for me to proudly come out as Jewish and it doesn't feel that way anymore. It reminds me of when I was a child and my parents would go on airplane trips and tell me to hide my Jewish star necklace or take it off for fear that we would be targeted by antisemites with the power to hurt me.
I would feel rebellious and want to wear my star necklace outside of my shirt. They were literally scared that I would be in danger if I outed myself as Jewish on the plane. I stopped myself from these outward displays then and always thought that when I was older, I would make my religion known. Up until now, I've felt pretty safe coming out as Jewish. Since October 7th though, I've been feeling very nervous about being seen by strangers as Jewish. I haven’t flown since October 7th, but I don't feel the same sort of longing to get away and go visit new places. I am afraid.
And yet, I do see some relief out there, some friends who are stepping up. I feel like I’m in my third wave of checking in on others. The first wave was to see how Israeli friends and loved ones were doing. The second one was to let friends know that I don’t condone violence and am aching for those who have to experience it, Israeli or Palestinian, Jews, Muslims, and everyone else.
Now the messages are coming in from the Rabbis and the Cantors, the activists and the allies. These are the gentle, thoughtful, layered, and nuanced messages. They are the ones that can hold it all and make space to have Jewish voices be heard, complexity and all. These are the people who I know (mostly because they have told me so) that they would hide me if it came to that terrifying reality that Jews would not be able to walk in the streets relatively safely.
I am grateful for and to my friends, chosen and blood family, nooks of Facebook that have been sensitive to Jewish therapists and psychologists, meditation, and my own therapist in helping me process my responses to the Hamas attack on October 7th, 2023.
Please read Part 2 of the blog to find out how to be a Jewish-affirming clinician in 2023
If you or your loved ones are looking for a clinician who is Jewish-affirming, please feel free to make an appointment with me, Dr. Abi Weissman, or the wonderful, Dr. Camilla Williams. We have immediate availability. Please contact us here to make a 15-minute free consultation appointment or text us at 619-403-5578.
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