Disenfranchised Grief in San Diego for Queer, Trans, Kink, Polyamorous, and Ethically Non-Monogamous Communities
Do these common examples of disenfranchised grief, also known as hidden grief or ambiguous grief, sound familiar to you*?
“My partner of 55 years died, but I can’t talk about it because my family thought we were just friends.”
“You: My cat died.
Them: Oh, well, at least it wasn’t your mom.”
“Them: How are you celebrating Father’s Day?
You: Um, I’m…not. I never knew my parents. I was raised in foster care.
Them: … ”
“My bosses make transphobic comments at work, and they don’t know I’m trans. I don’t feel comfortable speaking up.”
“This COVID-19 pandemic reminds all of the people I knew who died of AIDS in the 80s. It was a scary, unpredictable time. There was so much shame and homophobia, not even US President Reagan would say the word, ‘AIDS’, in public or on TV. And the farther we get from that time period, the more people forget. It’s sad.”
Text message conversation:
“You: I was in a serious car wreck today.
Them: OMG! Are you okay, like are you hurt?
You: No, but I’m really freaked out and shaken up.
Them: Well, thank God you didn’t break a bone or anything!”
“My metamore, whom my girlfriend was madly in love with and dating for 5 months, died by suicide last year.”
“Pride was canceled AGAIN?! This sucks!”
If so, you are not alone.
When Grief is Disenfranchised
Grief is disenfranchised when society or cultures do not think your loss is valid or important enough to be worthy of grieving. As in the examples above, a lot of times this type of grief is about something, someone, or a group of people that’s considered taboo, is not understood, or affirmed culturally by heternormative standards.
LGBTQIPA2+ Individuals Experiencing Disenfranchised Grief
When we LGBTQIPA2+ people experience this disenfranchised grief, it’s often called Queer Grief, and many of us have felt it during the Covid-19 quarantines and shutdowns. Historically, LGBTQIPA2+ people have met in public safe havens like bars, nightclubs, Pride celebrations or protests, bath houses, hobby groups, drag performances, and more to find accepting communities and chosen families. When those places closed during the pandemic and queer and trans-centered events didn't happen, we felt these losses profoundly.
However, cisgender heterosexual people may have not understood this profundity. They may have intellectually understood why these losses made us bummed out. But because cis heterosexuals have not experienced this kind of disenfranchised grief, they may have thought, “Why are you so bummed out? It’s just a bar. Just go to another one or drink at home.”
Examples of Disenfranchised Grief
Examples include, but are not limited to:
● When you feel mixed emotions because you don’t feel like you fit in or feel completely seen by people who by all of your intersected identities.
● Biphobia
● Loss of a job, school, or spiritual, and/or religious community
● Divorce or separation
● Intergenerational trauma
● Loss of language, culture, or homeland
● Loss of child by miscarriage or childbirth
● Being physically unable to give birth when you wish you could
● Abandonment by friends or family
● Sexual abuse or incest
More signs you’re experiencing disenfranchised grief:
● You doubt yourself: “Should I be as devastated as I am?” “Or why am I not crying like everyone else says I should be?"
● You’re vacillating between a strong visceral pain and dull sadness (feeling numb), so your emotions can be hard to pin down. It’s like the unhelpful friend that’s been around for so long that you tolerate them, but you’re not ever actually used to them being unhelpful.
● You begin to isolate more
● You begin to pour yourself more into work than you would usually
Disenfranchised Grief is Different For Each Person
Grieving may look different from person to person because everyone grieves losses differently, and that’s okay. The good news is that you don’t ever have to go through it alone. Contact me, Kelly Hutton, AMFT, to schedule your first appointment. I specialize in queer grief and loss. We’ll walk that path together.
Ready to Manage Your Disenfranchised Grief With Grief Therapy in San Diego, CA?
Embrace the support you deserve on your unique journey through disenfranchised grief. At Waves Psych, our LGBTQ-affirming grief therapy offers a safe and empathetic space to navigate your emotions. You're not alone—reach out to heal, grow, and find strength in your grief journey with us by following these three simple steps:
Begin meeting with one of our caring grief therapists for your first session
Learn to heal from your disenfranchised grief!
Other Services Offered at Waves
At Waves Psych, we want to help you however we can. So, in addition to grief therapy, our team of therapists offers EMDR Therapy, Yoga Therapy, Couples and Chosen Family Therapy, Therapy for ADHD, Therapy for Students, Transgender Support, Kink and BDSM Affirming Therapy, and more! Be sure to check out our FAQs and Blog for more about us and our services!
Talk queer grief with Kelly Hutton, AMFT today.
*These are fictional representations of common experiences. These quotes are not borrowed from clients’ experiences, nor are they direct quotes from anyone in particular.
Article Resources:
McNutt, B., & Yakushko, O. (2013). Disenfranchised grief among lesbian and gay bereaved individuals. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling, 7(1), 87–116. https://doi.org/10.1080/15538605.2013.758345
Minx, C. (2018, May 6). Grief and loss in relationships [audio blog]. Retrieved June 24, 2022, from https://polyweekly.com/554-grief-loss-relationships-liz-powell/.
Wheat, L. S., & Thacker, N. E. (2019). LGBTQ+ loss experiences and the use of meaning reconstruction with clients. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling, 13(3), 232–251. https://doi.org/10.1080/15538605.2019.1627973